By Gavin Williams
Script: So are the days of our Uneventfulness
Season: 43
Cast: Mike Horn, Tina Hope, Cassidy Parker
CUE INTRO MUSIC and TITLE SEQUENCE
Like leaves blowing by on a gentle wind with absolutely nothing happening to them, so are The Days Of Our Uneventfulness.
EXTERIOR: NIGHT
Open on a well appointed study. A man, CALLAGHAN PIFARETTI enters. He is STILL MARRIED and has never HAD AN AFFAIR with anyone. Ever. In fact, he doesn’t know what AFFAIR MEANS. HE isn’t particularly DASHING or SMART. He fixes himself a scotch (which is actually apple juice in a decanter) and stares out of the bay window. In the courtyard below he sees absolutely NOTHING out of the ordinary.
His wife enters and tells him that the company is running smoothly, and there are NO HOSTILE TAKEOVERS from men with poorly executed pseudo-European accents and moustaches.
He asks how his brother Blaise, WHO HAS NEVER DISAPPEARED and will not TURN UP IN A LATER EPISODE AS A SHADOWY FIGURE PROTECTING HIS IDENTITY THROUGH A SERIES OF POORLY THOUGHT-OUT DISGUISES is doing. He is absolutely fine and has no DNA pregnancy cases against him she says.
A dark stranger who is NOT FROM either of their pasts enters the room to inform them that no-one has been possessed by demons and that their daughter’s yachting trip with the prince, who is actually a prince, has gone by very uneventfully.
– — –
This, in essence is the Audi R8: A soap opera with absolutely no drama. If you want drama, buy a Ferrari. I think I saw the ESP traction light flick on once and that was going through a bend on Hel’s Hoogte pass very, very rapidly. There was a bump in the middle of the apex that jumped the car a little to the left, and in the blink of an eye it had rectified itself and just continued macheteing through the corner.
It also is the opposite of a supercar in that when people see you in a Ferrari, or Porsche made after 1999 or an illegal stripper funded Koenigsegg, they are actually filled with joy as opposed to disdain. Entire neighbouroods will spill onto the street to look at the R8. It’s accessible from from every angle.
I just wish they had a better key. And a start button. And a plot that frightened you a little. Kept you fascinated, because the R8 won’t. Long after the sedated thrill of it wears off you’ll wish you had been a little more adventurous- a little more risky. But you weren’t. You have, at the end of the fiscal year bought an Audi. The best Audi on the planet. But an Audi, nonetheless.
