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I’m sorry, but is the world suffering from a collective bout of amnesia?  ”The Bahrain Grand Prix was boring” they wailed. “It wasn’t exciting” they cried, gnashing their teeth. Boring you say. Boring? Well, fucking news flash, Formula 1 is boring.

It’s in its nature.  They built that city on boredom. Engineering a car to win is boring. Windtunnels are boring. Ecclestone’s billionaire wardrobe’s boring. Press conferences are boring. Modern circuits are boring. Simulating Nazi prison camp sex acts in a bordello’s dungeon is kind of exciting, but initiated by a boring man.

It’s as if everyone suddenly  thought that every season that had gone before was this chaotic smash and grab demolition derby of last gasp winners and race long position swapping. This isn’t Moto GP people. We’re way more sophisticated than that. F1 is like hip-hop without the rhymes. At least in modern times.

There’s this “scarlet-tinted-glasses” view regarding seasons of yore which fucks me right off.  I’ve been watching F1 since I was about 5 and remember about 6 brilliant races in that time. One of which was Rene Arnoux finishing a credible 5th in the Ligier at a rain-soaked Montreal in 1989 which says more about my 11 year old state of mind than the race.

I exaggerate to make a point obviously.  I am hopelessly addicted to the sport and stayed out until 3:20a.m this morning just to watch the free practice session in Melbourne.  It is this barmy fanaticism that drives the sport, and keeps us flocking to processions.  I get really irate when people talk about the good old days of Prost and Senna. What was so bloody good about them?

The 1988 season was like watching 36 hours of Formula 1.  It was beyond boring as the bloody McLaren’s perenially lapped just about everyone and finished 1-2 in every race except fittingly at Monza where the Ferraris came in the top two.  After the McLarens blew up.  It wasn’t even a good fight up front. The McLaren on pole, be it Prost or Senna’s, would usually go on to win and when they did try and overtake each other it ended in tears and heavy fines in Suzuka.  The 3rd place car was probably 3 laps behind and driven by a Belgian.  Boring.  The most exciting thing that happened in the 80s in F1 was me waking Riccardo Patrese up in the Kylami pits from a couch slumber .  Bloody Italians. Ciro’s still on mine as I type.

And don’t get me started on the Schumacher era. That was like watching porn on the radio.  His interminably “effective” drives to 7 World Titles were stifling.  No wonder F1 has to cook up a soap opera every few weeks.  It’s like the WWE, the on track fighting doesn’t feel real but the schlock drama behind it has a trashy allure.

Now every great race I have ever seen (and there’s been about a hundred more than 6) have a few factors in common.  Rain, a classic circuit or a street circuit or a combination of the three. It’s simple.  Don’t give me another Herman Tilke circuit.  Who the fuck is he anyway and why is he the only guy with AutoCad that people approach when they want to bring racing to their shores?

When I was 7 I designed more exciting circuits replete with ludicrous flyovers and tunnels under the sea. With dragons.  Which brings me nicely to my next point. A spot of danger.  If you make a mistake you should be punished.  You shouldn’t be able to afford to be a wanker in F1, to paraphrase Derek Warwick.  Tilke circuits have longer runs offs than the pitlane.  Where’s the fun in that? Give me the “Wall Of Champions” in Montreal anyday.  Or Mirabeau.

If Tilke designed Eau Rouge sweeping into the Parabolica he’d manage to make it boring.  Perhaps he’s in the right sport after all.

Enjoy the race everyone! I know I will, whatever happens.

For anyone who’s interested this would be my official calendar in no particular order.

1. Adelaide or Melbourne (AUS)

2. Suzuka (JAP)

3. Original Hockenheim (GER)

4. Silverstone (ENG)

5. Interlagos(BRA)

6. Monte Carlo (MON)

7. Bathurst (AUS)

8. Oesterreichring (AUT)

9. Monza (ITA)

10. Singapore (SIN)

11. Brands Hatch (ENG)

12 Spa-Francorchamps (BEL)

13. Laguna Seca (USA)

14. Montreal (CAN)

15. Valencia (SPA)

16 YAS Marina (With less run off) (UAE)

17. Le Mans (Original Circuit) (FRA)

18. Cape Town Street Circuit (I have 2 designed) (RSA)

19. Tokyo Street Circuit. At night. (JAP)

20. The Bahamas would be nice.

- Gavin Williams

Tags: arnoux, bahamas would be nice, boring, crab salad, ecclestone, f1, fondue, nazi sex, new season, pants, prost, senna, suzuka, wall of champions

This entry was posted on Friday, March 26th, 2010 at 1:26 pm and is filed under eF-One. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.