Driven (loudly) – The SL 63 AMG MadMan Edition

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Every now and then a movie comes along which quite simply blows you away. A Dark Knight was that movie for me. It is a masterful arrangement of celluloid; a symphony of action, suspense, emotion and well, explosions really.

Heath Ledger was remarkable as the joker: he personified evil. His polar opposite is obviously our winged hero, in a thankfully less camp batsuit. And representing both sides in one tormented and twisted character: TwoFace. This poor bugger starts of a charming bastion of all that is saintly until someone really pisses him off, creating the most frightening villain imaginable since Anton Chigur in No Country for Old Men.

Click through for the full write up, plus video…

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Driven (a lot): The 2010 VW Polo 1.6 Auto

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

The new Polo. It’s nice, you should buy one.

Ciro De Siena

Driven: The brutally luxurious S65 AMG Limo-Spec

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

There’s a famous VW ad from the 60s which asked, “Ever wondered how the guy who drives the snow plough, gets to the snowplough?”.  Well if you’ve ever wondered how the guy who owns the snowplough company gets to the snowplough company, Mercedes-Benz has the answer: The S 65 AMG L-spec.

It proves the Germans have a sense of humour after all.  They’ve handed their svelte, distinguished flagship S-Class over to their dark arts division, AMG, and the result is the most powerful series saloon ever built.

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Driven: 2009 Subaru “Sir Mix Alot” Impreza WRX

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
In a move which is the exact opposite of everything thought sane by car companies, Subaru has admitted that it fluffed up. They’ve finally given up on that awful hatchback version of the much-revered Impreza and gone back to basics by giving it an arse.
After what seems like years of justifying the new design to your mates, you can now look at the Impreza WRX and smile. I’ve never been so chuffed to see a bigger backside in my entire life. It rounds of the car and prevents it from looking like an eleven year old Kia Rio. Dark 17 inch alloys, a subtle spoiler at the rear and a neat intercooler up front round off what has become an exciting package.
But with Subaru, it’s never been about appearance, has it? It is quite simply all about the drive, but more on that in a bit. It certainly has never been about the interior. Looking at the dash in this car, I couldn’t help but think that Subaru’s henchmen are so single minded that they literally forgot about the interior. Either that or they just don’t know what ‘an interior’ is. It’s like having a 17 year old brother who lives in his darkened room, endlessly hacking into the Pentagon but couldn’t operate the washing machine if his freedom depended on it.
The aftermarket radio is so awful that it’s laughable. I simply can’t understand how in 2009 a Japanese car company can install an aftermarket radio which is flumoxed by an MP3 disc. You invented the bloody thing you wallies. Get it right.
Thankfully, when they weren’t rummaging around in old parts bins for a light switch, the other 99% of this car’s development time was used by the drivetrain geniuses at Subaru HQ to prefect the best four wheel drive system known to man. Honestly, throw this car into any car at any speed and you will a) frighten your passengers to death, b) create an orchestra of tyre squeal and c) come out of the corner perfectly in tact.
I’ve never felt so brave and yet so safe. On a good road at an ungodly hour and with plenty of fuel on board (this car has a drinking problem) you’ll struggle to have more fun in anything near this sort of money.
The best part about everything this car does is what it doesn’t do. This is the only car I know that doesn’t try and flatter you. Every car these days is built so that a blind one armed orang utan can do a 1 minute 29 around the Nurburgring in the snow.
But the Subaru just isn’t. If you aren’t careful with the clutch, you will stall. If you don’t work the gears, you’ll be slow and boring. Shortshift in 3rd or 4th and you’ll bang your nose on the steering wheel.
But concentrate, grab the car by the scruff of the neck and drive it like you’re in a barfight, and the Impreza WRX will never fail to deliver you to sheer driving…heaven.

subaru-impreza-wrx-2009

In a move which is the exact opposite of everything thought sane by car companies, Subaru has admitted that it fluffed up. They’ve finally given up on that awful hatchback version of the much-revered Impreza and gone back to basics by giving it an arse.

After what seems like years of justifying the new design to your mates, you can now look at the Impreza WRX and smile. I’ve never been so chuffed to see a bigger backside in my entire life.

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Soap Opera Gets Sound

Sunday, December 13th, 2009

R8 3:4

Drama. Last night.

The powers that be at Vorsprung-Goldwyn Television studios in Inglewoodstad, Kalifornia decided that an extra $50 000 (approx. R500 000) would really bring the plot to life in the well-liked but rather dull soapie The Days Of Our Uneventfulness.  After fighting it out with Italian Executive Producers for countless rounds of pointless but well-catered meetings an agreement was reached.  They could borrow a plot line from a very successful, raunchy but expensive Italian Soap called -loosely translated- “Also In My Back Of Me”.

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Drives from the Near Past: Audi R8 V8

Monday, December 7th, 2009

Alrighty, so Audi were super cool and handed us the keys to a very badly abused Audi R8 V10 last week. Sodding journalists. Anyway, the car was simply magnificent and we’ll tell you all about it…tomorrow. But just to refresh your memory, here is my take on the first R8, followed by Gavin’s inevitably hilarious view on it as well.

Audi-R8-002

The R8. To get it sideways, you have to park it like this.

It’s very easy to be cynical about the Audi R8. It has the very same engine as the RS4. It has the same sun-visors as the TT, as well as the same air-con switch gear. And when you’re handed the key there is nothing, not even a little R8 moniker, to distinguish it from, you guessed it, the TT’s keys.

This is all forgotten however when you simply stop for a moment and look at the car. It is quite extraordinary. Modern in every way yet with just the right amount of curves to make sure it retains that absolutely necessary supercar trait: sex appeal. And the R8 has that by the bucketload.

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Like a soap opera with no drama, so are the days with an Audi R8

Monday, December 7th, 2009

By Gavin Williams

audi-r8-2-lg

Script: So are the days of our Uneventfulness
Season: 43
Cast: Mike Horn, Tina Hope, Cassidy Parker

CUE INTRO MUSIC and TITLE SEQUENCE

Like leaves blowing by on a gentle wind with absolutely nothing happening to them, so are The Days Of Our Uneventfulness.

EXTERIOR: NIGHT

Open on a well appointed study. A man, CALLAGHAN PIFARETTI enters. He is STILL MARRIED and has never HAD AN AFFAIR with anyone. Ever. In fact, he doesn’t know what AFFAIR MEANS. HE isn’t particularly DASHING or SMART. He fixes himself a scotch (which is actually apple juice in a decanter) and stares out of the bay window. In the courtyard below he sees absolutely NOTHING out of the ordinary.

His wife enters and tells him that the company is running smoothly, and there are NO HOSTILE TAKEOVERS from men with poorly executed pseudo-European accents and moustaches.

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Driven: Volkswagen (Don’t Say Passat) CC. Labradorability.

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

VW CC

Not an estate agent? Don’t PVR Survivor? Don’t forward Vernon Koekemoer jokes? Not a wanker?  Boy have we got a car for you! Gentlemen and ladies of leisure, I have immense pleasure in introducing you to the best VW ever made – besides a Veyron or a Phaeton which no-one (except Kevin F****n Pietersen) has driven – the VW CC.  Four short letters.  Even the TT has more.  In fact, I think it’s probably the shortest car name ever. I would have really adorned it with a name more befitting it’s palatial excellence like the VW Ballaestiere or the Steppenwulf, but I guess it is VW after all and they like to “manage expectations”.

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Driven: Volkswagen CC (and we loved it)

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

volkswagen-passat-cc

Starbucks failed in Australia. Nobody really knows why. They say Starbucks works elsewhere because it is ‘The Third Place”; the first being your home and the second being your work. Obviously America has become a nation of friendless dullards judging by how popular Starbucks is over there.

Personally, my third place is where I’d find my friends and family. I can count at least 10 places I’d rather spend my time than a Starbucks. Fortunately my family is in the restaurant business so at least one of those places includes food and beer. But we all have a place like that, don’t we?

Recently, a man called Ben Ali passed away. Ben opened an eatery called Ben’s Chilli Bowl back in the ‘60s in Washington, DC. Over the years his eatery became an institution; a bastion of non-racialness in a stormy period in the USA’s history. The eatery’s 50th anniversary was a who’s who of politicians, businessmen and celebrities who’d been through the best and worst of times, all the while eating at Ben’s.

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Driven: Mazda 3 Individual

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

mazda 3 individual (2)

Premium Hot Hatches are pretty damn popular in South Africa. You’ve got Volkswagen, Opel, Mazda, Ford, BMW, Renault, Citroen and everyone else I’ve forgotten vying for your attention by fitting bigger wheels, bigger engines and bigger chin-spoilers to their pleb-hatches and then charging R100 000 more.

Although that’s sort of how it used to be. Nowadays, the top of the line hatch in a manufacturer’s line-up is generally quite special. The Volkswagen GTI for instance has grown up so much it now feels like it’s punching two classes above its weight. The Astra OPC looks ferocious and Renault can sell you car with a trick front diff for unlimited front-end traction and a Spaniard’s signature on the dash board. Mazda’s top-line offering is a bit different, however.

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