It’s June 2010 and unable to live without the allure and heady glamour of trackside “decision making” Flavio Briatore and Pat Symonds find themselves heading a heavily financed stable or scuderia of racing greyhounds in the 7:23 night race at Peninstone Road dog track near Sheffield. With the smell of methane drifting in from the rear stalls, the excitement is palpable as the 5-minute board is held aloft by former Miss Northern Darts League Kelli Gabbidon.
It hasn’t been an easy qualifying. Drawing the number 14 at random from a hat has compromised the race for Can You Hear The Drums Fernando, a lithe and precocious hare pursuit specialist from Andalusia.
It is easy to see why men like Briatore and Symonds would be attracted to this sort of all out frantic action. There’s glamour aplenty with such celebrities as former cricketer turned alcoholic Phil Tuffnell and the drummer out of Smokie milling around before the race as last minute preparations are made to the dogs and tactics whispered into their furry ears. For if horse racing is the sport of kings then this surely must be the sport of (heavily disguised) dukes, nightclub owners, sweater salesmen and dolesmiths (One who makes a living by practicing the traditional British craft of collecting state benefits*. i.e. Pat Symonds)
Having already fallen foul of the inept and beaurocratic International National Greyhound association (ING) for causing a dog to lose it’s leggings after a botched “dog box”, the pair are already on a short leash so to speak.
And they’re off; a recently fired Jonathan Legarde begins to excitedly stumble over his words as the hounds head for the treacherous first corner. “Now that’s Louis The 1st he’s running, running, closely followed by the Ice Dog Finnegan as they take the corner first left then they continue to go left until the straight and here’s the straight and now they’re still running etc. etc…” Can You Hear The Drums Fernando is struggling down in the pack complaining of something, although it’s hard to tell what because he’s a dog obviously.
It isn’t going well and with only about 19.3 seconds remaining in the race Briatore and Symonds decide to act upon something they agreed upon earlier while sitting in a “rented” camper van Briatore drove up from Loftus Road. Leaning over the gantry at turn 3 they wave about a rubber pet novelty bone smeared with marrow and poodle pheromones sending a wide-eyed Lord Nelson (stable mate of Can You Hear The Drums) into the trackside fencing, immediately bringing out a safety rabbit. The dogs weave aggressively behind the heavily modified rabbit in order to keep their paws warm as the number 7 dog dives into his box for new paw padding. With the demise of his kennel mate coming at precisely the right time Can You Hear The Drums trots to his first victory of the season, causing many grey-hatted “betting types” to commit suicide over the fantastical result. It’s a masterful stroke of luck, or is it?
Months later Lord Nelson, through the help of his trainer who claims to understand what he’s saying (seriously they have a stage show), reveals that his charge was forced to crash by the diabolical motor-racing banned pair.
At a specially called meeting at the Pig & Knickers in Hammersmith after some heavy drinking and fascist-themed pub games the ING decides to not ban the entire stable but rather ban Briatore from ever looking at a dog again, while Pat Symonds gets off with a 5-year 300m restraining order from dogs in general, but may occasionally look at pictures of them. Can You Hear The Drums Fernando was smacked lightly on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and told to get outside.
*Courtesy Rogers Profanisaurus Magna Farta Edition Viz Comics Issue 188
It’s June 2010 and unable to live without the allure and heady glamour of trackside “decision making” Flavio Briatore and Pat Symonds find themselves heading a heavily financed stable or scuderia of racing greyhounds in the 7:23 night race at Peninstone Road dog track near Sheffield. With the smell of methane drifting in from the rear stalls, the excitement is palpable as the 5-minute board is held aloft by former Miss Northern Darts League Kelli Gabbidon.
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