www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbV98cnBbLg

I caught this advert a little while back on the old television, something I haven’t owned for about five years now, so I was probably in a bar or at my uncle’s house. It made such an impression on me but for whatever reason I immediately forgot to Youtube it, until yesterday. It’s jaw-dropping the first time you watch it; the entire Renault range is ceremoniously crashed into itself.

It’s called the Renault Ballet, and goodness me did the French manufacturer go all out with this one. They even commissioned the Polish National Orchestra to recreate the composition for the film. Polish no less! Even better though is the fact that after a little research, I confirmed my suspicions that the advert was shot in SA. It was. More details and a hilarious “making of” video when you click “Read the rest of this entry”.

Robbi Smith is a bit of racing legend, who, about 20 years ago, redirected his energy to filming cars. His company, Camera Ready Cars, has shot over 500 commercials, and Robbi has been involved in about another 500 more.

Shooting the Ballet commercial must have been a riot. They were tasked with taking Renault’s entire range out to the Verneuk Pan and smashing it to bits. Here’s the “making of” video. It looks like this video was commissioned by Renault themselves; it features loads of the company’s top brass going on about safety and all that. It’s in French, which is probably why they didn’t cut out the excellent South African swearing. Wait for the curse-riddled instructions about 2 minutes in, it’s hilarious.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q1TmWdWTow

Ciro De Siena

And the Chevy Cruze is one of the cars that contests the championship and it’s absolutely got nothing in common with the one we drove besides the number of steering wheels.

Before we continue, here’s how your Cruze isn’t built:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=guA6oJgTyv8

This is Chevy’s first foray into the medium compact market and this Korean-built sedan is more grey skies and minimum pay than blue skies and Chevrolet.  That isn’t to say it’s built badly. On the contrary it’s a solid enough piece of car and has a satisfying level of finish to just about everything.  Of course, stupidity does creep in to off set the good parts (the Alfa-Romeo style forward mounted speedos so the passenger can’t see how fast you’re going most of the time).  Like this daft ill-shaped storage space on the dash.
You could fit an ill-shaped envelope in there.

But it seems to add to the kind of clip-on tie unintentional cool of the Chevy.  It’s trying to be a Chevy but it isn’t.  Like the opening scene in Office Space where David Herman’s character is rapping along to some gangsta shit behind the wheel of his beige Dodge Aries in a morning commute traffic jam and apprehensively locks his door as soon as a black guy walks past.  It sums up the wigganess of the Cruze. It even shares a surname with the whitest actor alive next to Tom Hanks.  It’s more scientologist than black panther.
But that’s just me trying to put a youthful spin on the whole deal.  It really, really doesn’t matter.

Much like a Cadillac I drove a couple of years ago for Overdrive it comes into its own when you drive like you’re retired.  There must be many older South Africans out there who want to “drive American” again after Chev upped tent and moved their caravan terug oorsee in the 70s.

I initially spent the week flooring the thing at almost any opportunity for a laugh. This engine with this gearbox is just abysmal.   It truly is.  The 104Kw 1.8l four pot just starts with a harshness that turns into a thrashing and finally translates into a rubbish attempt at motion.  It’s monumentally loud and testicleless.

Once my teenage kicks routine had subsided though, I drove it home in the rain late the other night along some tricky coastal roads.  Forced to take it easy, the car came alive.  It suddenly felt taut where it had been giving the impression of flimsiness from that braying lisping engine note.  It was smooth and planted, assured even.  The engine lilted along sedately with no kick-down silliness it swathed through the mist and rain.  I began to like it.

Then my iPod, an ever present companion (the Cruze comes with an AUX inlet) spooked up the roads as it slipped into Speedy Marie by Frank Black a song I’ve probably heard over a thousand times.  But on this standard sound system it was mesmeric.  I heard tambourine in their somewhere I’m sure for the first time.  Far off and lazy. This was transport.  It looks good too, and as I said you can cheer them on when Supersport decides to show WTCC highlights a 3:27 on Tuesday mornings.

The guy who dropped the car off for me asked if I’d ever been to America. “Nope, only Canada,” I replied, to which he said once I’ve been to America I’d understand this car.  How right he was.

Gavin Williams

The interior, yesterday. The Chevy doesn't disappoint here, it's well stuck together and void of cheap plastics.

Have you seen this wealthy car tuner?

Car tuning is not terribly big on our radar, but we do know of Uwe Gemballa. He’s a bonkers German who looks at a perfectly good Porsche or Ferrari, and decides that it should be bright red, with massive wheels, a few spoilers here and there and about 200 more horsepower. He’s been in business, successfully, for decades now and at the age of 54 has suddenly vanished. Strangely enough, the last time anybody heard from him, he was in Johannesburg.

Full story and more loony Gemballa creations after the jump:

So far, the German and South African police are being a bit cagey.  They have confirmed that Mr Gemballa landed at OR Tambo on the 8th of February. The last time anybody heard from him was on the 9th, when he called his wife to say he had been a car accident and needed some money. The plot thickens, obviously.

This is the sort of thing we're talking about. That was a perfectly satisfactory Carrera GT.

Apparently he was meant to meet up with a dodgy Czech businessman, supposedly one Radovan Krejcir, a tax fugitive who was sentenced in absentia in a Czech court to six years behind bars for tax evasion, back in 2005. The Czech supposedly lives in Joburg, which really is living up to it’s satirical ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ name these days.

One of Gemballa’s long time pals and business associates, Michael Burroughs, has said: The idea that Uwe Gemballa is on the run from his business and family is inconceivable, he’s a passionate business man and a loving father and from my view it’s impossible for that to be true.”

Anyway, this guy’s been missing for two weeks now. That’s pretty damn strange. His family is offering a 10 000 Euro reward for any information, so keep an ear to the ground. In depth coverage here. Sunday Time’s coverage here.

Fascinating.

The new Polo. It’s nice, you should buy one.

Ciro De Siena

www.youtube.com/watch?v=y40HwUtpvMY

Top Gear is massive. And no matter what you think of it’s chief-whip Jeremy Clarkson, the staggering success of the brand is undeniable. But watching it on telly is so…2D. Luckily, inspired by a pint or eight, the brains behind the show decided to make it live and take it around the world. Genius.

But let’s be honest, it could have been rubbish. It could have consisted of some depressed announcer making laughably unfunny jokes as a Chevrolet Spark crawled across a stage. Thankfully, Clarkson & Co have the imagination of seven year-olds and the budget of a Saudi prince, which unsurprisingly is a winning combination.

It’s difficult to describe the awesomeness of what you’re in for if you’ve managed to secure a seat at any of the shows in Cape Town or Johannesburg, and we sure as hell won’t spoil any of it for you. In the meantime though, we thought we’d bring you this: 8 minutes of Jeremy and Richard talking about everything from enviro-mentalism to which cars their kids refuse to go to school in, complete with a mic wire hanging across their faces (thanks Gav!). The best part is, they’re exactly as you see them on the tube, just smokier.

No, that isn’t photoshopped and yes, that is Jeremy Clarkson, in South Africa, holding an enormous sex toy. That is also Richard Hammond holding some lady’s unmentionables. The best part about this whole scene is they’ve discovered these goodies in Sasha Martinengo’s luggage. Oh what fun to be a Top Gear presenter.

Besides the laddish pranks, Top Gear live is certainly worth a look, even if cars are about as exciting for you as choosing tiles with your missus. For your money you will see ludicrously expensive supercars doing doughnuts in an impossibly tight space. You will see the Stig outrun aliens in old muscle cars, using a little Rage buggy which sounds like the devil screaming. You will be subjected to a 3D finale which will scare the willies out of you and you will leave feeling absolutely bloody wonderful.

And we should know, we haven’t missed a show since they started coming to SA. Head over to www.mphshow.co.za and get moving, this one’s going to sell out.