www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuaxJn71zhA

Cue stirring music, dramatic snow-sliding shots from a chopper and a glorious V12 soundtrack. This is a video made during the Ferrari FF’s (many and varied) testing phase.

PPPPOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEERRRRRRRR.

Enjoy.

Wooo-hooo! You should have been here last year!

I’m sorry, but is the world suffering from a collective bout of amnesia?  ”The Bahrain Grand Prix was boring” they wailed. “It wasn’t exciting” they cried, gnashing their teeth. Boring you say. Boring? Well, fucking news flash, Formula 1 is boring.

It’s in its nature.  They built that city on boredom. Engineering a car to win is boring. Windtunnels are boring. Ecclestone’s billionaire wardrobe’s boring. Press conferences are boring. Modern circuits are boring. Simulating Nazi prison camp sex acts in a bordello’s dungeon is kind of exciting, but initiated by a boring man.

Tall sex. Boring.

It’s as if everyone suddenly  thought that every season that had gone before was this chaotic smash and grab demolition derby of last gasp winners and race long position swapping. This isn’t Moto GP people. We’re way more sophisticated than that. F1 is like hip-hop without the rhymes. At least in modern times.

There’s this “scarlet-tinted-glasses” view regarding seasons of yore which fucks me right off.  I’ve been watching F1 since I was about 5 and remember about 6 brilliant races in that time. One of which was Rene Arnoux finishing a credible 5th in the Ligier at a rain-soaked Montreal in 1989 which says more about my 11 year old state of mind than the race.

I exaggerate to make a point obviously.  I am hopelessly addicted to the sport and stayed out until 3:20a.m this morning just to watch the free practice session in Melbourne.  It is this barmy fanaticism that drives the sport, and keeps us flocking to processions.  I get really irate when people talk about the good old days of Prost and Senna. What was so bloody good about them?

The 1988 season was like watching 36 hours of Formula 1.  It was beyond boring as the bloody McLaren’s perenially lapped just about everyone and finished 1-2 in every race except fittingly at Monza where the Ferraris came in the top two.  After the McLarens blew up.  It wasn’t even a good fight up front. The McLaren on pole, be it Prost or Senna’s, would usually go on to win and when they did try and overtake each other it ended in tears and heavy fines in Suzuka.  The 3rd place car was probably 3 laps behind and driven by a Belgian.  Boring.  The most exciting thing that happened in the 80s in F1 was me waking Riccardo Patrese up in the Kylami pits from a couch slumber .  Bloody Italians. Ciro’s still on mine as I type.

And don’t get me started on the Schumacher era. That was like watching porn on the radio.  His interminably “effective” drives to 7 World Titles were stifling.  No wonder F1 has to cook up a soap opera every few weeks.  It’s like the WWE, the on track fighting doesn’t feel real but the schlock drama behind it has a trashy allure.

Now every great race I have ever seen (and there’s been about a hundred more than 6) have a few factors in common.  Rain, a classic circuit or a street circuit or a combination of the three. It’s simple.  Don’t give me another Herman Tilke circuit.  Who the fuck is he anyway and why is he the only guy with AutoCad that people approach when they want to bring racing to their shores?

When I was 7 I designed more exciting circuits replete with ludicrous flyovers and tunnels under the sea. With dragons.  Which brings me nicely to my next point. A spot of danger.  If you make a mistake you should be punished.  You shouldn’t be able to afford to be a wanker in F1, to paraphrase Derek Warwick.  Tilke circuits have longer runs offs than the pitlane.  Where’s the fun in that? Give me the “Wall Of Champions” in Montreal anyday.  Or Mirabeau.

We should roll Herman Tilke down there in a barrel. Of piss.

If Tilke designed Eau Rouge sweeping into the Parabolica he’d manage to make it boring.  Perhaps he’s in the right sport after all.

Enjoy the race everyone! I know I will, whatever happens.

For anyone who’s interested this would be my official calendar in no particular order.

1. Adelaide or Melbourne (AUS)

2. Suzuka (JAP)

3. Original Hockenheim (GER)

4. Silverstone (ENG)

5. Interlagos(BRA)

6. Monte Carlo (MON)

7. Bathurst (AUS)

8. Oesterreichring (AUT)

9. Monza (ITA)

10. Singapore (SIN)

11. Brands Hatch (ENG)

12 Spa-Francorchamps (BEL)

13. Laguna Seca (USA)

14. Montreal (CAN)

15. Valencia (SPA)

16 YAS Marina (With less run off) (UAE)

17. Le Mans (Original Circuit) (FRA)

18. Cape Town Street Circuit (I have 2 designed) (RSA)

19. Tokyo Street Circuit. At night. (JAP)

20. The Bahamas would be nice.

- Gavin Williams

Team: McLaren. Drivers: Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button.

The cars are looking sharp this year, we must say. It seems the liveries are getting more focused in line with the less fussy cars that have been mandatory for two seasons now. There’s loads of brand new teams and of course Lotus is back with (obviously) their traditional colours and USF1 continues to surprise and entertain us. We’ve also got every date on the calendar in a handy, um, list format.

Every car on the grid and race calendar after the jump:

Rumours that this is a US F1 prototype could not be confirmed.

Sure it’s light, but will it handle? For the launch of a new store in Chigaco, Puma commissioned British duo The Wilson Brothers to create an F1 replica. It is magnificent. Pic gallery and a short time lapse video of its creation after the jump.

Video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa8HFEeh2FA

Gallery:

Step 1:

Have a major manufacturer withdraw it’s works support.

Step 2:

Have a Portsmouth FC-like uncertainty surrounding your future while throwing around words like “uncertainty”, “future” and “interested consortium” all bloody winter.

Step 3:

A miraculous buy-out occurs by former employees of the works team.  General backslapping and spirited press statements ensue.

Step 4:

Unveil your sponsorless car sporting a liberal interpretation of the rules with two drivers looking apprehensive and slightly sheepish.

Step 5:

Absolutely confound everyone by setting very quick times in pre-season testing even though you arrived late in a caravan.

Step 6:

Win Championship.

Step 7:

Lose egotistical world champion driver who believes it was his sheer pace that brought home the title.

Step 8:

Get bought out by the world’s greatest car manufacturer or something.

Last week at Jerez, a sponsorless Sauber (BMW) driven by Kamui Kobayashi topped the timing charts consistently.

Phone your bookies.

Ta-da, there it is! The crowd goes absolutely ballistic.

Gavin Williams

A fool and his money are soon giving press conferences.

Last season was one of the closest in terms of actual times seperating the cars on track.  Pole position to the last slot on the grid was usually settled by just over a second.  And then for whatever reason the big guns started leaving. Honda, BMW and then Toyota used words like “corporate re-alignment”, “brand re-focus” and “we’re just plain shite” as exit strategies.

I remember F1 as a kid and there was always the jokeshop team -no-hopers sponsored by flaky investment companies with drunk playboys as team leaders- that were routinely lapped 3 or 4 times by the winners if they somehow made the full distance before pre-qualifying was introduced.  I’ll rattle off a few. Perennial triers Osella. Onyx, who once  famously fitted a differential on the wrong way round and even borrowed parts from the owner’s sports car collection. Leyton House, whose owner was implicated in a massive financial swindle in Japan.  

The list of courageous cock-ups in Formula 1 is endless. And now with a bunch of upstarts making their way onto the grid with Cosworth (who haven’t made a decent engine since the 70s) it seems we could have a whole season of underperfoming buffoonery to smirk at.  At least most of the teams are putting on a brave face by making the right noises to the press about “gaining experience with experienced drivers” etc.  

One however has already surpassed all others in kack-handedness before a wheel has been turned.  F1 is renowned for being about the details. Every minute aspect of racing is over-analyzed by a group of pointdexters who can’t dance and collect things like maritime memorabilia.  Campos Meta, run by former driver Alex Campos -the man singularly responsible for Spain’s lack of enthusiasm for the sport before Alonso- seems to think the details aren’t that important.  

On their underwhelming website under the Employment section they have misspelt the word “Hydraulics” in their search for an “hidraulics engineer” (sic). Good luck with that.  Check it out at http://www.camposmeta.com/.

Let the lapping begin, although with the talented Bruno Senna who knows what could happen.

Gavin Williams

Check it out by clicking this word. Or this one.

The reason major manufacturers have left a sport that should be the pinnacle of engineering excellence has absolutely nothing to do with the “economic downturn”.  I believe it’s the old boy’s club that run the sport who yearn for the days of smuggling cocaine in DFR cylinder heads. They’re Essex wideboys who should be selling pirate DVDs outside pubs.

The grid hasn’t been this close since the inception of the sport, but the major manufacturers are being forced out by blinkered management with a style more suited to a country club than a spectator sport.  We’re going back to the dark old days of shite cars, way off the pace, being lapped and having a young Gavin Williams hope Senna trips over one of them.

Bernie Ecclestone constantly bangs on about “preserving the future of F1” when all he’s really concerned about is the past and making money. Unfortunately his nostalgia doesn’t extend to classic circuits.  For instance, replacing the always thrilling Montreal GP with the Jean-Michel Jarre wet dream of Abu Dhabi and being on the verge of cancelling the British Grand Prix.

BMW, Honda and Toyota replaced by Campos Meta, USF1 and Lotus? A brand that has nothing more than faded heraldry and Malaysian owners.  Cosworth hasn’t made a competitive engine since the 70s.  I love the fact that I can support a team that represents the car I can go out and buy, and Formula 1 is slowly losing that.  Ferrari wants the sport to be professional and have bragging rights over other manufacturers, not hapless garagista.

Yet we keep watching.

I sincerely hope the manufacturers are using their usual “exit strategy” marketing speak for a reason instead of pointing an accusing finger at the FIA because they hope to return to the sport one day.

Gavin Williams

Jean-Michel Jarre, late last night.

That's what he thought of your offer, Toyota.

This morning’s headline came as a bit of a shock to me. We all knew that the Japanese car industry was in trouble when giants Honda pulled out of F1 and Subaru pulled out of WRC. Colin Mcrae must have 360′d in his resting place.

But a goliath like Toyota pulling out of F1 is just massive. Over the next few days be sure to expect everyone with a slightly dim view of the sport trumpeting its demise. But on closer inspection, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. With a budget of £300m a year, Toyota participated in 139 races without a win. They did nab 13 podiums, but then again, so has Vettel, almost, and he’s 16 or something.

The thing is, Toyota, like Honda, failed to realise that F1 isn’t about the goliaths. It’s not about smart suits sitting in a boardroom in Tokyo making decisions about a tyre choice at Interlagos. F1 rewards teams that think on their feet and make the best decisions under the circumstances.

Better days.

Just look at Brawn this season; that team used to be Honda and also used to have 10 times the budget. (And if anyone is about to throw Ferrari at me, let’s just remember that how small that operation started out; Enzo made road cars so that he could fund his racing team. Ferrari and F1 grew up together.)

So perhaps BMW, Toyota and Honda leaving F1 is not a bad thing in the long run. Let’s see more smaller teams on the grid, gritting their teeth threw the tight budgets and tough decisions. Hell, maybe the actual on-track antics of the sport will become more exciting. No more light shows in the deserts, Bernie.

Ciro De Siena

Button. Probably supports Chelsea.

But I guess we should grudgingly give Jenson Button some measure of kudos for wrapping up the world title.  However it spoke volumes for me about the man’s character when he was stuck behind Kamui Kobayashi for lap after excruciating lap.  Button got on the team radio and complained about  Kobayashi weaving and blocking him.  Please.  It was his Grand Prix debut and as a World Champion elect it’s your job to get past him. Kobayashi drove defensively and legally, although his honour was called into question later on when he swerved dangerously in front of Kazuki Nakajima sending him on a murder ride into the barriers.

I loved the typically stoic response to Button’s petulant rant at Kobayashi from the pitwall.  “Understood Jenson” was all Andrew Shovlin had to say.  Even he knew JB was a man panicked and on the edge. But he got past the rookie’s Toyota eventually and made some daring moves earlier in the race to fight his way into contention. The Brits like their champions plucky and “bulldoggish” -remember how Mansell used to always affect a knackered swoon on the podium?- and Button certainly was that.

When he crossed the line as World Champion however and sang “We are the champions” over the radio he was bitching on earlier, I cringed. In fact, I don’t think I’ve cringed like that since David Brent did “some MC Hammer shit” in his notorious dance off in The Office. At least Ricky Gervais was only acting like a clueless egoist in a corporate vacuum.

Gavin Williams

So that's how many races you won before this season. Button.

And just in case you really have to watch that dance:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kry53iHR7w

And as for Jarno Trulli…more on him tomorrow.